Motherhood

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 When people face a new challenge, some dive in recklessly. Some are fearful, tiptoeing step by step. I think I was the latter. When I was a child, my greatest aspiration (other than contributing to world peace) was to create a loving family: A warm haven for my kids. A safe place. So the moment my firstborn was in my arms, I blindly jumped into motherhood. I wasn’t prepared for the pain and joy of it all. Thrust into a mission where I had no choice but to do or die, I raced with all my heart.

He was lovely. When I stared at my baby’s face while he was asleep, my worries would (temporarily) vanish. When he lay in my arms I’d feel exalted and small at the same time. What did I do to deserve this wellspring of unconditional love? What did I do to deserve this beautiful human? It was beyond description at times. Yet the exhaustion and the being pushed to the limit also engulfed me. I had a sensitive nose.. and everyday I was faced with his poo. Overtime I got desensitized to it but that was a process. Everyday after I cleaned the room, my toddler would mess it up again within 2 hours. Over and over. He would take things out of my drawers and pour my makeup all over the floor. Some days, I had no energy to even go up the stairs. I breastfed for over three years because he didn’t want to stop and he found a lot of comfort in it. I was tired all the time. My career suffered as I gave him nearly 24/7 of care. But he made me laugh. He made me cry. He made my life mean something. And for that I am grateful. 

When you become a parent, in some ways you cease to exist as an individual. Your identity becomes “mom.” You may gain a few pounds, lose your youthful glow.. but despite it all, your soul will grow. Beauty is truly beyond the physical.. it’s in how deep you learn to love.


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